The Steak Between Them
by SquirrelISDead0304
Summary: This is a collection of short peices that delve into complicated relationship between humans and Ra'zac. The friendships, the animosity, the misunderstandings, and all the rest of it. Most of this will be nonsensical Crack. However if you're looking for a more serious version of this then feel free to visit Descention.
1. Blonde Ra'zac and Idiot Humans

**Author's Note: It's riddled with typos and other errors, but here yah go. A useless crack-fic. Enjoy,a and don't take any of this seriously.**

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**Blonde Ra'zac and Idiot Humans**

_She's close. _

The Ra'zac tensed, running his tongue along the edge of his beak anticipating the meal to come. He'd been unceremoniously dumped in this village by his good-for-nothing, jack-ass, cousin to hunt on his own for the first time in his life, and he was eager to succeed, not only to appease his unhappy belly, but to avoid being laughed at. The bastard was undoubtedly hanging around to watch the show, or lack thereof if things turned ugly. He wouldn't let the jerk laugh at him, he'd kill a human and he'd never have to sneak out of the cave and risk his parents' wrath ever again.

And his chance was fast approaching. The human female, was in sight. She was average height, blonde haired, blue-eyed, and just as ugly as every other human he'd ever had the misfortune of laying eyes upon.

A basket hung from her arm, resting on her hip, rocking as she walked- or maybe it rocked as she swayed to the tune she was humming.

Another stupid human; insane and oblivious to the world around her, and now she was going to pay for her idiocy. All that was left was for her to pass him, so she couldn't retaliate-maybe if he angled his attack properly he could use her basket to knock the air out of her lungs- and her flesh would be his.

_Finally, _"Dinner." He froze horrified. _Oh Shit!_

"Sure."

He'd blown his cover. His mortification doubled. She'd heard. Cold with shame and dread- his quarry had heard, and he'd lost his meal and, and, now his life was potentially at stake. "Fuc-what?"

Through the onset of panic he thought maybe he'd heard her speak, but he had to be mistaken- no human with half a brain would have hung around. He reluctantly raised his embarrassed eyes from his hands. The new wave of unease that crashed over him was nauseating.

"I said sure."She smiled. Gods, why was she smiling?

This was wrong, so, so wrong. It was the fact that her smile seemed…genuine that kept him from running, or killing, or functioning at all.

"Sure?" He tested the word suspiciously, in utter disbelief. This human was willing to just let him eat her without a fight of any kind?

"You asked me to dinner didn't you?"

"Uuhm…?"

She stepped toward him, squinting into the shadowy recess he was hiding in. He tensed feeling exposed despite her inability to see him clearly. And silently he thanked whatever gods were watching over him, that humans couldn't see squat in the dark. And that meant maybe he could get out of this….

"What girl doesn't enjoy fine wind, candle light, and good food? Here hold this!" She shoved her basket at him and he dumbly took it as she kneeled to dig a pebble from out of her shoe. "Uhm…." _What the-? _His cousin had kindly explained in the vaguest detail possible how to respond to various threats and other possible changes in a given hunt, but this- whatever this was hadn't been covered.

"I know a really good place." After a bit of groping she took her basket back from him. Humans really were blind in the dark. "It'll be my treat." The smile was in place.

"Um!?" _Gods, help me please!_ "I think there'sss been-"

"This will be so much fun!" Impatient with his lack of response she grabbed his wrist. "Oh wow you have strong hands. You must be a blacksmith to have calluses as hard yours!"

xXx

"There'sss been some form of…misunderstanding…woah…." He shifted uncomfortably. "Can we eat somewhere else-?" _Anywhere else. _He'd tried shaking the woman off and bolting on more than occasion, but she was a leech wrapped around his arm and nothing he'd said or did. He'd be the laughing stalk of every Ra'zac in Alagaesia by daybreak.

"Why would you want to eat anywhere else? This is the finest restraint in Narda."

"Umh- I" Was it the best? He didn't know. "I'm not, I'm not from around here."

"Oh. I didn't realize." She looked up at him-sort of- she was looking passed him with those hideously small eyes of hers. Humans were indeed stupid, and ugly to boot. "Well, you're going to simply adore this place."

Bewildered by her insistence, he didn't put up much fight as she pulled him up the stairs. Maybe he could lure her into an alley-or something and kill her and then eat her? That could work….

xXx

He sat stiff, back to the wall, eyes darting from one hostile or terrified face to another, and then back to the happily smiling girl sitting across from him. The air despite being warm with heat of a cooking fire and the multitude of candles burning across the room felt cold. This woman's fellow patron's didn't like him at all. None moved to attack him, though he did notice that some hands hovered over their steak knives a bit more than was necessary. Like he could kill them all? Hell, he couldn't even kill her.

And speaking of her. She was alternating between talking, sipping her wine, and looking at him. "Please forgive me for being so forward, but I have been in search of dinner company for a long while now. I fear that most men are intimidated by my wealth."

The Ra'zac frowned. He suspected they were intimidated by her lack of brains, but he wasn't going to say that to her, especially not here. Maybe when they were back outside, and he'd conceived of a way to get her in a dark secluded alley somewhere far from help he would tell her.

"And sir, I find that your hands are extraordinarily hard, and I would like if you would permit to explore your musculature further."

"What?" He choked on his spit. What was with this woman? Whatever she was drinking he desperately hoped she kept it far form him. How did she not see the danger that he was, the danger he could be if he chose? _'You're a pushover-' _His cousin's voice drifted through his mind. He was going to murder the bastard if the humans surrounding him didn't kill him first.

How to avoid being killed by a bunch of humans? Maybe if he contributed to the conversation and they saw the two of them getting along he'd get out of this alive. _Gods please!_

"You know what I sssaid earlier?" He leaned in and whispered, eyes on their surrounding patrons. "Hmm?" She sipped her wine watching him. "I thought you looked like you tasted good."

She snorted, choking on her drink, face turning a vibrant shade of scarlet. A few of the masculine patrons nearest them shifted. Well, that plan backfired.

"Oh my! There'll be time whisper such saucy phrases in my ear later!" Her choking turned into a fit of laughter.

_WHAT!_ He covered his face. THAT was not at all what he'd meant.

This hunt was not at all going how it was supposed to.

"But," she leaned in conspiratorially, the smile playing about her lips coy. "if you accompany me, there's plenty of dessert at my house, and I'll give you more than a taste."

_No, just fucking no! _ He was done! He stood and bolted for the door. Let his cousins laugh at him for the rest of his life, if they wished; anything, anything to get him away from here.

He didn't stop sprinting until he couldn't breathe, until the shout of 'I have money,' and the humans were far enough away to be little more than a bad dream. He crouched at the foot of a boulder hands on his head breathing. A familiar scent caught his attention and he rose scowling in the direction of the approaching figure.

"You bastard! You-you-" He pointed a shaking talon at his cousin.

"How the Hell did you do that? You got some human to follow you around like a trained dog! That was amazing!"

"Uuhmm…."

_Fin_


	2. A Lesson in Language

**Author's Note: Hello today's piece of steak is brought to you by the kitchen floor, The Gods Must be Crazy (an epic movie), and the San People-the oldest group of modern humans-and a dying culture **

**Um… this has been festering in my head or a while-though this is not how imagined this piece would come out? Hopefully, the next piece will be a proper crack-fic, instead of this… whatever this is.**

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**A Lesson in Language**

"The humans have a story. It's old and no one remembers who first told or when. It could be a collection of many stories or one that is all but lost in the far reaches of the decaying minds of the storytellers old enough to recall such a tale from the early days of their youths."

"What the humans do know is that the story is the last tie they have to the lost lands. Like the continents that faded beyond the sea their memories have faded as well. And I doubt they can even recall that the story is told by another group of people; albeit from a different point of view."

Pebbles ground as the Lethrblaka shifted, his eyes focused on the faint lights moving about in the distance instead of the young pupae sitting together a short distance away. Soldiers were changing their nightly shifts on Narda's walls.

"Even our memory of the old land wanes, but what is remembered is that we dwelt in the north, the humans in the heat of the south. For thousands of years we were unaware of their existence, until an accidental chance encounter. Something, something terrible drove them from their homes and forced them to seek refuge in our northern lands."

"What happened?" His daughter chirped. He glanced at her, with a light smirk of amusement at the look of growing irritation on his son's face as she used the top of his head as a chinrest.

"I don't know, but whatever it was bad. Very bad. The humans couldn't tell us."

"What?" His son shifted, glowering as his sister shifted with him.

"They were incapable of speech, using rough grunts and other sounds to convey their emotions, but proper words were beyond them. But I digress. The first humans our people ever encountered were an oddity. They hunted, but lacked the fangs and claws to it. Instead they used tools, and despite their lack of language were intelligent. It was our curiosity that led to the first meeting of the two races."

The Lethrblaka flicked a stone of the cliff ledge. He smiled wryly at the unintentional symbolism. "Wishing to learn about these people and about the southern lands we taught them to speak. Their first language was crude and many of their words sounded very similarly to our own. As we have the ability to mimic their more advanced tongue today, they had the ability to copy us as well."

"So could humans learn our language?"

The Lethrblaka thought a moment. "They would only be able to understand what they have the ability to hear, and even then I doubt they'd be able to fully pronounce many of our words. They could probably learn to copy some of our sounds, but I imagine they would be crude imitations at best. At this point it would be folly divulge such knowledge anyway."

He glanced at the tiny flickering lights in the distance again. "We lived in peace with them for a time. However, both groups hunted the same prey, and more and more humans poured in from the south pushing further and further into our territory. It was when our warnings for them to halt their advancement that relations began to turn sour. The food sources were being depleted at a rate faster than they could recover- and eventually fights between the races broke out over resources. They raided our caves and tried to kill us in our sleep, and in turn we flattened their villages."

"It was in desperation that we turned to prey upon them. They were never meant to be our food, but the near extinction of our preferred food, and sudden changes in the weather we were left with no other choice but to hunt them. And there's no denying that they do taste good."

A wry smile curled his lip and in the corner of his eye he saw his children shift. "And ever since our races have been at war-locked in a ceaseless battle for survival. It was those weather changes that eradicated their and out initial food sources. In search of greener pastures and food they sailed away, and in need of sustenance we followed the only source of food we had."

"How come they don't talk like us anymore?"

The Lethrblaka shrugged. "They've lost the ability. After encountering elves and dwarves the humans sculpted their language to sound more like theirs. They adopted the dwarves' written language as their own…. And they have long forgotten the influence we had on their culture. We've been relegated to the dark monsters that haunt their dreams; a nightmare they'll never wake from."

"Are humans evil?" His daughter piped up.

The Lethrblaka tilted his head appraising them with ebony eyes. The answer was difficult. "Humans are… destructive, tenacious, and chaotic. Are they evil? Some are, others are so convinced by their dark amnesia that they truly believe we are nothing but evil, and will react violently in what they perceive to be self defence. Evil? Most of them are not any more evil than we are, but they are quick to anger, slow to placate, and that makes them dangerous. Exceedingly so."

"So…how do they tell that story?"

"They begin in a similar fashion, I imagine, but in their version we're monsters throughout."

He rose, stretching limbs, and shaking his wings. Having recently eaten he was more than ready for a nap. The dark of the cave behind him had become a gravitational force. Turning to his pupae he leaned down putting mere inches between them and his lethal beak.

"You're too young to hunt yet, but no matter how fast or strong you two become never underestimate them. Never turn your backs on them. They have no control of their emotions and their moods change on a whim, many would attempt to kill you given the slightest provocation. Never give them that chance."


	3. Horzel

**Author's note: It's short-ish. It ended up being longer than I thought. I was going to do a comic based on this idea, sort of. But I can't draw so everyone is stuck with this instead.**

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**Horzel**

A scream rent the late afternoon, and a child could be seen sprinting through the field. In his panic and his haste he paid no heed of the direction he running. The forests covering the Spine's mountain feet were a dangerous place. Entry was forbidden; the punishment for such a thing was a beating when the offender arrived home or a fate far too great for the boy's fellow villagers to contemplate.

But such things were beyond him as he ran screaming and crying trying to escape an attacker that no one could see.

He broke through the underbrush; rustling leaves, snapping twigs, tearing thorny branches off of spiky shrubs. The trail of destruction he left in his wake went unheeded.

But sharp ears heard him, keen eyes watched his haphazardous sprint from afar, and when eyes and ears may have considered overlooking him. The scent of fear that followed him, wafting through the trees, was too delicious to ignore. In silence dark shapes stalked, others ran ahead.

At long last the boy collapsed against a mossy rock. His face sweaty and his chest heaving from exertion. He wiped at his arms and legs as if trying to wipe off something that wasn't there. Satisfied, with his appraisal he surveyed his surroundings, only then realizing just where he was and how far he'd actually run.

A sob worked its way up his throat. He was in the forests of the spine: a dangerous place from which the bravest of adventurers did not return. He fell upon the decaying leaves, huddling against his rock shaking and uncertain of what to do.

He glanced at the trees, perceiving monsters and movement in every shadow. It was late afternoon, but already the forest was already dark with a premature evening. He could see the tree line, the grassy and weedy fields beyond. He choked on a fresh sob. They were so close and so far away. He would never make it if he ran. He was trapped and would never make it home, He'd never get to say goodbye for apologize to his sister for making her cry- his breath hitch as a crack broke the silence. He stared into trees willing whatever it was to be a silly rabbit, like the ones in the stories….

Slowly he stood one hand clenching the boulder he'd been squatting by, the other fisted against his chest.

"Who-who's there?" He wanted to sound brave- but his voice was high and his eyes were blurring with both fear and pain as his arms and legs began to burn. "Please come out."

He thought he could faintly hear whispering or maybe it was the light rustle of a disturbed leaf.

"Please? I just want to go home."

His request was answered by a hiss as glowing eyes peered at him from the underbrush. His breathing hitched as it slunk out of the foliage. There was a branch nearby, maybe if he reached it-but he was frozen, standing paralyzed gazing at what was to be his fate.

It growled, opening a maw of yellowing fangs, its tongue curling as if it was already tasting the meal to come. Muscles tensed, claws gauged the leaves, and the boy could see in its eyes he was already dead. It snarled and charged.

So he did the one he could: closed his eyes and screamed.

A screech, like he had never heard stung his sensitive ears, and he felt a rush of air.

What followed was a cacophony of growls, thuds, snarls, hisses, and shrieks. He didn't dare open his eyes. A loud snarl different from the previous ones, a loud crunch and audible thud, were replaced by a very sudden and tense silence. Still he huddled by his rock now curious to see what had happened and terrified by what he might see. It was the soft tread of approaching steps that forced his eyes to widen. And he wished he'd kept them shut.

Something-or was it a someone- was walking toward him. It walked on two legs like a human, but looked nothing like one. It had a beak, its body was a shiny black that looked hard and solid like polished stone, and liquid; light blue dribbled from gashes across its chest, and its eyes….

He couldn't look away. They were wide and just as dark as its body, but incredibly more captivating. And as he gazed up at it, he felt his body relax, the stinging in his arms and legs began to dissipate, but in his chest his heart still laboured as if it knew he should be trying to run away.

The boy tried to speak, tried to back away as it drew close, standing over him and looking down at him with those strange eyes. He couldn't. He knew somehow the creature-person was doing it, and again he was afraid.

It bent down and he caught a whiff of its meat tinged breath. Silent and unable to scream or run or even try to talk to it, he closed his eyes once more and trembled in his panic. He was lifted and he uttered a garbled sob. He didn't want to die and he wanted to tell this person that.

His panic rose to a dizzying extreme. He wondered if his heart was going to explode as he felt it carrying him. He didn't want to see where he'd end up. It wouldn't be a place that was happy.

At least, he prayed to whatever gods were willing to listen that it carry him a very long way. Maybe that could give him time to escape or convince it not to kill him.

All too soon he felt the creature stop, felt leaves beneath his feet, and his limbs beginning to sting to sting once more. Taking a chance he looked up, meeting that ebony gaze high above his head.

"I'll let you live if you tell me what you running from earlier."

Sobs of fear or relief escaped the child's throat, but desperate to live he wiped his nose on his arm, careful to avoid the hot burning welts. And he once again looked up at those eyes.

"Hornets."


	4. Hearts

**Author's Note: Something different I want to try…. I'm not really sure it belongs in this collection, but it does involve interaction between a Ra'zac and a human so…? **

**I think it starts off rather ambiguously. Sorry about that. I just wanted to try something.**

* * *

**Quote Pulling:**

**Hearts**

"Hearts? I am a champion of the people and have for more hearts than he!" Eragon exclaimed haughtily.

Hissing in exasperation, pain, and contempt the Ra'zac dropped his head into his hands. Here he was trying to aid this self-righteous brat in his quest to rid the land of Gabatorix's crazed rule, putting his life on the line to do so, and his effort? Rewarded with a response lacking the intelligence of a rock.

He supposed it was a small comfort that he'd be joining his sister momentarily so he wouldn't live to see the mistake he may have just made-perhaps- if this Shadeslayer was the future of the riders, Alagaesia was safer in Galbatorix's insane hands. At least Galbatorix had more intelligence than a rock. But still he had more hearts, and that's where the beginning of Eragon's troubles lie.

xxx

And indeed many miles to the west in his mighty palace in Uru-baen, Galbatorix sat at a round table in a posh chair. "Ah Murtagh, isn't this game so delightful?"

Across from him Murtagh looked up over the cards clenched in his fingers. Playing cards with a man who constantly tried to break into his mind to see his hand was anything other than delightful. It felt like razors cutting onto his scalp. Actually, getting his head cut open with a razor might have felt better.

"And I win!" Galbatorix threw down his cards, and Murtagh froze.

"Sire the object of the game Hearts to give your hearts to your opponents. The man with the fewest wins-"

"Really? I don't remember them mentioning that at the academy."

"Yes, but that was for dragon-hearts. Eldunari-"

"Ah, but these are dragon cards! See the dragons printed on the back of them! Let that run rings around you logic."

A long silence reeled out between them, followed by loud a whump and the sound of cards fluttering to the stone floor.

With his head ringing from its deliberate collision with the oaken table surface, Murtagh scowled. There really was no arguing with the man.

"Care for another round?" Galbatorix's voice slithered through the pounding in his ears.

"Yeah,sure." Only if I can stab myself in the head first….

Galbatorix gathered the cards from the table. He was impressed by Murtagh's tenacity, but even still the son of his former colleague could not defeat him, for he would always end up with all the hearts.

XxX

"So… he's found a True Name…of hearts?"

Aghast the Ra'zac stared, all coherent thought stripped from his mind. What the-what sort of question was that?

"I thought that was just a card game." Eragon frowned at the cave floor. Stymied, the Ra'zac chittered hopelessly. "I sssaid he had more fucking heartsss than you. And that he had found _the, true name_. Two ssseparate sentencesss with no relation to each other."

"Ah yes, that makes sense. So what does the true name belong to? Me? You? Saphira?"

The Ra'zac shook his head. "No, definitely no, and yesss-but no."

"The true name of… of what? Not cards…."

"Lingo? I variety of Verbal Communication? Various idiomsss that thrown together by the muscle inside a person'sss mouth?! Not fucking cardsss"

"You mean the Ancient Language?" Eragon drummed his fingers on his staff.

Finally! The idiot had figured it out!

"Yeah, um I don't think there's a card deck in the world loaded enough to defeat this guy. Thanks though, I guess. I'll honour our pact. You will remembered forever."

The Ra'zac paled with a coldness that hadn't been there before.

"On sssecond thought forget it."

Taken aback the Rider tilted his head. "You sure?"

"I'd jussst like to die now, if that'sss alright with you."

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**Basically I took a line from the books and wrote a parody about it. Unfortunately I don't own the third book, and I'm nbot sure where my notes are... but I put that quote up at top.**

**If there's a specific quote someone wants to see spoofed, PM me and I'll see what I can do. **


	5. The Black Dahlia

**Author' Note: Nothing to see here…REALLY.**

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**The Black Dahlia **

She was beautiful, of that there was no question. And often he watched her from afar, but he never dared to approach. He kept to the shadows watching her hunt. This was all part of his game. He left things for to find. A pile of sticks, arranged to spell out the word 'hello,' a bouquet of arms in a vase, a smooth rock with a glitter speckled surface, and a few other things. But yesterday he'd found something. Something from her he hoped. A dahlia somehow painted black.

And now he wanted to meet, to know if it had indeed been her. He looked up at the stars, wishing that they were reflected in her eyes instead.

Returning his thoughts to earth. He looked at the alcove she'd ducked in, only to see it empty. Cursing he stole mettle from the presence nearby; this was after all his plan.

Ducking out to get a better view of the street he scowled. She was gone. He sniffed the air ready to follow-only to freeze as something cold and sharp pressed against the back of his neck. He didn't breath,

"What sort of hunter is so easily caught off his guard?" The words were full smugness and a hint contempt.

"That's a good question." Voice from the shadows made her jump, and a Ra'zac detached himself from the gloom, black dahlia with a single petal in hand.

Hissing she pulled away from the Ra'zac she'd snared to give the dahlia holder a glare. "You're the one- you cheated."

Turning she swept away.

Ignoring her the Ra'zac holding the flower tore off the final petal with a triumphant whisper. "She loves you."

"She's hates me, Odi." His cousin glared rubbing the back of his neck.

Shrugging, Odi dropped the bare stem. "I know, but now the ice is broken."

* * *

**Author's note: and that children is a lesson on how to sabotage your cousin's date/stalkng session. **

**And this is Odi in the days when he was nice I think? before he became Odium Whispers? (still working on his previous name.) **


	6. SteakCattle fire Humans Squared

**Author's Note: Because not everyone likes math. My apologies to the poor algebra teachers that have wasted the last fifteen or so years of their live trying to teach me. Pythagorean Theorem and Pi were the only things that ever stuck.**

* * *

**Steak=Cattle+ fire ÷Humans squared**

Humans were evil; that the Ra'zac was sure of. As if spending her childhood years learning their bloody language wasn't bad enough now some stupid priest had the gall to throw papers covered in fractions, decimals and percents at her face.

She was a Ra'zac, not a Human! There was no reason she needed to know anything beyond the basic addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. She wasn't going need to know anything more than how much money she kept in her pocket when the King sent her off on another mission. Everything else was a ludicrous waste of time. She could be hunting and eating and laughing with her brother right now.

She glared at the long rows of figures on her sheet without seeing them, the drone of the priest that had been sentenced to teach her a faint din in the background. She was at a complete loss as to how her brother could put up with the monotony that was their tutelage.

The mention of identifying the percentage of a human she ate compared to her brother sounded interesting. At it did until her stomach quietly whined begging for sustenance, and then her thoughts had turned to measuring the circumference of human pies, with the added challenge of trying to find the lines of the circle amid the multitude of scribbled limbs jutting out the top. But then her stomach gurgled, protesting her taunting.

And she was writing again as a sudden whim struck her:

_Pi = Human Thermidor Aux Crevettes with Brain Sauce, garnished with a fried leg on top a charbroiled hand. _

Salivating and suppressing a giggle, she took to converting her list of equations into a list of recipes and when she was able to leave the cathedral she had a very long list indeed.

"Hey you!" She shouted at the black drabbed figure lounging in a pew with a book in his hand. "Hmm, what was that? Certainly not my sister to whom I have stressed already that I do not and will not respond to 'hey you-'"

"Whatever. Look at this."She dropped the paper into his lap, and leaned against the back of a bench.

"Your math problems?" He absently picked it up , eyes still glued to one of his pages. Quickly she took to tapping her fingers in a frustratedly impatient tempo as he took his sweet time closing the book.

After a long moment of silence filled only with the sound of her fingers ticking against the wood of the bench did he finally set his book down and examine her creation.

"Eatalotity?"

"I don't care for Trigonometry and I thought it needed some spicing-up."

Snorting he returned his gaze to the sheet in his hand.

"_Ginder-Supreme equals choice meats multiplied by ribs squared_?" What?"

She grinned. "Take whatever you favourite part of a human is and stuff it between two stacks of ribs and you'll have yourself a delicious sandwich." Her anger flared at his quizzical frown. "Look, I just spent the last hour of my life rewriting brain cramping formulas into stomach satisfying snacks. It's not an exact science all right?"

"Some these names… are you planning on opening a restaurant?"

She cast him a wicked grin. "I was thinking bed and breakfast, actually."

* * *

**Authors Note: Pi is a irational number 3.14159236 that has no end- I cut the recipie short because I would have otherwise written a recipie with no end...**

**The Grinder-Supreme was a play on E=mc squared, which is not trigonometry. **

**From now on all those who bothered to read this may refer to math as mastication if they so wish. **


	7. Plant People

**Author's Note: I'm not going to lie, Oromis is completely out of character. In need of some stupidity and comedy I have pulled yet another quote out one of Pao's books, this time Eldest. **

**Thank Eragon's Stupidity for this one: "Are they plants then?" **

**Disclaimer: I don't Own anything….**

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**Plant People**

It was another day of rigorous training and Oromis was strict in his teaching, and seemingly more so today than usual. He supposed it was because Oromis had taught him seven words of death and wanted him to have them memorized perfectly to avoid mispronunciation and possible death in the future.

Eragon grinned. "You know, I just realized the Ra'zac won't know what hit them next time we cross paths." His smile faltered however, when he heard the elf sigh.

"I'm sure they will. I doubt the king will have let them wander around all this time without putting a few wards on them. Besides, these words were taught to all the students at one point or another so he's at the very least protected them from these words if nothing else."

"You're fucking serious-so I'm screwed no matter what I do then."

"No Eragon, you're never going to be screwed by a Ra'zac-that would be the last thing on their mind when and if you ever cross paths with them. They're far more likely to excrete you in a manner of liquid and foul smelling brown lumps."

"Ugh-_stop it_!" Eragon clapped his hands over his ears. "I happen to be a visual person, and I did not need the bloody mental imagery."

"Yes it would undoubtedly be bloody-perhaps bony as well. In any case you are safe from them here." Oromis stooped to study a small violet flower poking out of the grass. "But even with your new found words of death you should still be wary of them, if not you'll be arrogant and your hubris will do their job for them."

"Why? I can kill them a few syllables?"

Another drawn out sigh was heard from the elf, before he stood to rise. "Because the Ra'zac are hunters Eragon, and being human you are they're prey. If they happen upon you, they'll know you're there before you'll even see them coming. Trust me on this. They have a power that I'm not going to tell you about-"

"What the-"

"You'll discover it on your own whenever you meet them again-"

"Hey-"

"It's incredibly obvious-you won't miss it."

"Stop it-"

"Anyways, the point I'm making is; it's very hard to strike at a person you can't see, just as it's very hard to counter an attack that you don't even know is coming. Being arrogant won't help you if you don't even know you enemy is in you midst."

"Just what the hell are these people exactly?"

"That is a question we have been asking for some time. They have no place among any category of animal, nor are they related to humans, elves, dwarves, or dragons."

Eragon forced a laugh, "So are they plants then."

Oromis frowned. "Yes Eragon the Ra'zac are plants! They are the avengers of the vegetable world. They're only goal is to eat you, because they feel you must atone for the sinful consumption of meat you have partaken in all your life. Or you must recant, denounce your wicked ways and live like us elves, living off of fruits, veggies, and dew drops. Then and only then will you be spared-"

"Really?"

"Yes Really. They're plants. I think you should throw a canteen of saltwater at them and see what happens."


	8. Frogs' Legs with Your Steak?

**Author's Note: So I'm diddling around with the characters from Descention. Nothing to see here, except an arguably suicidal Ra'zac…?**

**Disclaimer: uhhhh? This was posted to right?**

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**Frogs' Legs with Your Steak?**

The silence was heavy, tense with the distrust and hatred radiating from Ellonia's two companions. She didn't like the awkwardness, but wasn't entirely sure what to do. How do you get two people who born and raised hating each other to set aside thousands of years of feuding and get along? She had no idea and the tree she directed the question to gave no answer.

Sighing she looked at the grassy ledge she was a few feet away from. It would take something drastic and maybe even-

_Crunch._

She froze, a chill running along her spine-oh gods… slowly; she lifted her foot, paling. "Oh fuck…" It was a whisper but she felt rather than saw two pairs of eyes train on her. She could have kept her mind open, should have, should-her shoe, there was blood on her shoe! She stepped back, as her throat tightened.

"What isss it?"

_Ellonia? _

Another step back as her shallow breaths became ragged.

"Shit…whoah-"

Torreya roared as Ellonia's feet slipped from beneath her. A black flash streaked into her periferal, and she lashed out catching an iron hand in a death grip.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Blaze hissed as he tugged her away from the ledge and the river below.

_Stupid! Are you alright?"_

_Yeah. _

"Thanks." She breathed, before releasing him from her death grip.

_Torreya, I need a minute. You guys can go on ahead-I need to uh, take care of my boot._

**xXxXx**

Ra'zac and Dragon watched as the rider stepped into a line of nearby trees, and disappeared from view. Turning away and taking a bold stab at trust Obsidian Blazeturned his back on the grey behemoth, but the lizard's teal gaze was fixed on the trees in worried frustration.

He followed her path curious as to what had set her off. Upon finding it he snorted, catching the dragon's attention.

He lifted it for show.

"A frog, she ssstepped on a frog."

He smirked as the dragon rolled her eyes.

"I don't know what you're laughing at. You picked her."

He approached still smirking at the overall situation.

"You. Picked. Her." He dropped the squished amphibian onto an ant mound.

"What the hell were you thinking?"


	9. The Expression of Love

**Author's Note: Wow, it's an update. It's finally happened. Now I understand why people enjoy all nighters so much. You can really get a lot of stuff done. I really didn't want to put any more of Eragon in this piece, but it didn't work any other, so here is another Eragon bashing. **

**Discalimer: *Yawns* I'm tired-I mean I don't own anything, except for… this nice…comfy… pillow. Oh bagged up pile of fluff and down how I crave thy warm caress about my head so much.**

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The Expression of Love

Oromis stared. "Eragon, you can't kill the Ra'zac."

"Why not? Seven words and they'll be dead."

Oromis sighed as he looked up at the setting sun. "You can't kill them because they love you."

"What?"

Oromis fixed him with a steady gaze. "There is no greater love then that between predator and prey. Ra'zac and Humans. They hold your race so dear and near to their hearts that they are physically incapable of living without you. They treasure your presense so much they need you inside them. Is that not profoundly intimate?"

"I admit," Oromis picked at one the tablets in his hand, "that their methods are a bit perverse they have your best interests at heart. There is no race in any written history that has been as devoted to curing humans of their insanity than the Ra'zac."

Eragon gagged. What Oromis was saying was so disgusting and fathomable- the Ra'zac? Galbatorix's assassins, bent on capturing him loved him? The notion was laughable, if it wasn't so disturbing.

"While I imagine it is a bit frightening to be the recipient of such an obsessive and compulsive devotion, you must remember they love in a manner that no other people in your life ever will."

"You wish to kill them for their love? The most beautiful and sought after treasure in the world? That is a horrid sentiment and you should feel ashamed for spurning their affections so harshly. You must understand all they want is to be near you. In your presence. Always. They are not the nightmares that haunt your race, but you greatest lovers."

"It is that love, that beautiful and almighty power they have been cursed to give so freely that has been their greatest downfall. Don't hate them for their efforts to woo you. It's by design rather than decision on their parts to act as they do. But if you find their predation to be such a travesty, then fix it. Sit down, and chat with them. You perceive them to be your greatest enemies, only because of a simple misunderstanding. There is a fine line between love and hate, and one can be easily misconstrued for the other. Especially when Ra'zac are involved."

"You aspire to be a promoter of peace for all races of Alagaesia, yes?"

"Yes Master."

"Then come up with an alternative to hunting live humans. Graciously, generously, and Heaven forbid with a little gratitude gift wrap your dead and place them in their hands. There will never be a group of people more willing to dispose of your dearly departed. It's not like your bodies buried in the ground are doing any good for the rest of humanity. The Ra'zac will give you dead a wondrous parting from this world. They will praise your passed on brethren with nothing but the highest praise and most loving of eulogies. Every dead human to be placed in their hands is bound to be looked upon without bias or hate, even if that corpse was a despicable person when alive."

He frowned. "Remember Eragon they are your greatest friends. They love you, and look out for you, and while their methods may sometimes be extreme, you have nothing to fear from them, unless you are afraid of true love."

"Every race at one point has had a love of this magnitude; Dwarves love their sheep, humans their beef, Urgals their deer, Werecats their birds, Dragons your cattle, the Ra'zac love you, and even we elves had such a romance in our history. Ours was the Grey Folk, but we ate them and the memory of our loss has left us unable to partake in meat of any kind since." Oromis sighed wistfully. "I miss them so much, I really do…." His voice broke as he trailed off.

The clearing fell silent. Any questions Eragon would have asked about the clay tablets in the elf's hands dissipated.

"Master you still haven't answered my question: what are the Ra'zac?"

Oromis' eyes narrowed. "They aren't plants. That was a terrible joke." His eyes then softened. "I would say, think of them as cupids."


End file.
